Wedding day is fast approaching – a day you’ve probably fantasized about since you were little. The butterflies in your stomach are building, but not just for the excitement of the big day. Your stomach might also be churning for an entirely different reason: the wedding night. 

You might have heard a few wedding night horror stories from well-meaning family and friends. 

You may have insecurities about your body (thanks to impossible beauty standards). 

You might be nervous that it could hurt.   

Don’t worry – these are all completely normal feelings and there is NO shame in being nervous. 

We called in our expert friend, Carlie Palmer, aka The Christian Sex Educator, to give us five honeymoon first night tips for women. She’s our go-to gal for the best advice on what to expect, the essentials to bring, and how to prepare to make your first time incredible.

Popular Misconceptions About the First Time for Women

• It will hurt. 
• You can just “figure it out” as you go.
• You don’t need to understand the differences in sexual responses between genders.
• Sex is quick and can be done in 15-20 minutes.
• You must go all the way on your wedding night.
• Your first time will be boring and not pleasurable because you’re new.

While others' first time might’ve been sub-par, that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to the same fate. There is a way to make your first time romantic, fun, and (if you can believe it), pleasurable. Hallelujah!

Keep reading to find out Carlie’s five essential first night tips for women:

1. Learn About Anatomy and Healthy Sexuality

Carlie’s not talking about the anatomy lesson you had back in junior high. She means a deeper study into the reproductive systems of men and women, along with how each responds sexually. 

Both parties should understand:

1. Their anatomy and their partner’s.
2. The function of different sexual body parts.
3. What stimulation works best for each to become aroused.

There’s a big difference in how long it takes men and women to be ready for intercourse. For men, it typically only takes a few minutes, whereas women could need 20 minutes of various kinds of foreplay. For the first time, try 45 minutes of foreplay as nerves can slow down arousal.

Each partner needs to know these differences and work together to make sure they’re both physically ready and comfortable to move forward. Simply put, this means taking things nice and slow, trying lots of stimulation, and using a personal lubricant to ensure comfort.  

Another key piece in understanding healthy sexuality is the concept of sexual agency. Sexual agency means each person chooses when, how, and with whom they share their sexuality. You don’t have to have sex with your partner if you don’t want to. 

PROTIP: Consent is always a must, even in marriage. On the flip side, you shouldn’t be unkind or mistreat your spouse if they turn down sex.

Some great resources Carlie recommends to learn more about anatomy and healthy sexuality are:

• The book, “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski.
• Her free webinar, “ 5 Things Christians Should Know Pre-Honeymoon”.
• Her podcast, The Christian Sex Podcast
• Her Honeymoon Course or Honeymoon Prep Packet

Now let’s move on to another of Carlie’s first night tips for women.

2. Educate Yourself On Receiving Pleasure and Avoiding Pain

Having a good grasp of anatomy and how a female body becomes aroused is valuable for experiencing pleasure. But equally, (if not more important), is making sure your mind is prepared. As Carlie says, the mind is our greatest and most sensitive sex organ.

Good technique matters when it comes to receiving pleasure, but if you aren’t relaxed and your mind is a million miles away, it won’t matter how skilled your partner is in the bedroom. A tense body, racing thoughts, and moving too quickly can spell pain and disaster during sex. 

Here are a few strategies Carlie suggests to calm your mind during sex:

• Focus on slow, steady breathing. 
• Try to feel your heartbeat and your partner’s. 
• Look at your partner.
• Notice and identify the pleasurable sensations you feel in your body as it’s touched.

Just as a wandering mind can kill your libido, unresolved problems in the relationship can also block your ability to receive pleasure. If there are issues between you and your partner, it’s best to settle them before getting it on; there’s a reason why people say makeup sex is the best.

PROTIP: Not using lubricant, especially when not fully aroused, is a surefire way of having painful sex. We recommend Coconu’s water or oil-based lubes. If condoms are involved, make sure to use a water-based lubricant to avoid the latex breaking down. 

3. Communicate Fears and Expectations Before the Wedding 

Honeymoon suite for one? 

Of Carlie’s first night tips for women, this one is very important: Not establishing boundaries/expectations before marriage can cause disappointment and conflict. 

Talking about it may help the transition to be less awkward and better equip you for challenges.

Some thoughtful questions Carlie offers to start these important conversations are:

• “What do you think are characteristics of a healthy and unhealthy sexual relationship?”
• “How do you think a couple should handle it when one person wants sex and the other doesn’t?”
• “What role do you think sex should play in a marriage?”
• “What fears or worries do you have?”
• “When do you expect to have intercourse for the first time?” (Hint, it doesn’t have to be the wedding night)
• “What things are you comfortable with?” “Not comfortable with?”
• “What are you most excited about?”

PROTIP: These discussions foster understanding and collaboration, which can bless your marriage in the long run. Try bringing a few up to your SO before walking down the aisle.

4. Set Realistic Expectations and Be Flexible

In the beginning, neither of you will be a pro at giving pleasure. That’s okay –  and it’s part of the excitement of being a newlywed. Sex is a skill that requires time, practice, knowledge, and vulnerability, but that doesn’t mean sex can’t be fun or should be painful.

Having a reasonable outlook takes the pressure off both of you to achieve a certain outcome and leaves you free to savor this new level of intimacy. By making exploration the goal, you both can experience satisfaction, whether the big moment happens or not. 

Being flexible with your expectations also goes a long way when it comes to sex. Life together is much more playful and enjoyable if you both can learn to just roll with it and laugh, which is why we’ve created this useful list of five first night tips for women from our pro, Carlie.

5. Be Prepared with Items You Need

For the last of Carlie’s first night tips for women, she highlights the importance of being prepared. Try to make a plan ahead of time to pack the items you feel comfortable using. 

Some ideas could be:

• Lingerie 
• Personal lubricant
• Toys
• Candles
• Rose petals
• Sexy playlist
• Massage oil

Whatever is going to help you feel relaxed, beautiful, and excited for your first time is a must-bring item. Or if a curated kit with all of Carlie’s favorite honeymoon essentials in a ready-to-go box is more your jam, we’ve got you:

Carlie’s Honeymoon Box includes a lingerie piece of your choosing from our new bridal collection, a men’s Mr. Boxer brief of choice, a full-sized Coconu lubricant (a fave of Carlie’s and ours), a bullet vibrator, and Carlie’s Honeymoon Prep Packet, all in our Miss to Mrs. packaging.

Turn Those Nervous Butterflies Into Flutters of Anticipation

The wedding night can be a magical time of growth, discovery, and connection. Communication, education, the right mindset, and being prepared with the items you need can turn those thoughts of “Oh no” into an “Oh yes!” 

For more tips from Carlie, check out her website!

Before you head off to use our first night tips for women, make sure to grab her limited-edition honeymoon box. To see our incredible selection of model-free lingerie pieces, head over to Mentionables! Happy honeymooning!